I was standing over the stove making yogurt. As I poured the milk into the strainer and the smell of warm milk wafted in front of me, I was immediately taken back to the times I used to make yogurt for Isabella as a baby. Every week I would heat the milk, pour it into the strainer, the steam would rise and I would smell, well, warm milk...which is by far not my favorite smell. But she loved it. I remember making the yogurt, smashing the bananas, stirring them in, adding wheat germ and feeding her out of those little glass jars. I remember specific times where this routine became rote. I remember her chubby little legs hanging out of the high chair while she waited. I remember telling her what I was doing and wondering if she understood a single word I was saying. I remember feeling like I was on a cooking show--talking to an audience that wasn't even there (although, my audience was there, just chewing on wooden utensils and babbling over me).
The flood of memories came back in a very real way. Memories that I can't help but hold on to as I feel our most recent ones slip through my fingers as the days fly by. She was just that sweet little, chubby, babbling, smart, smart baby. And two days ago she walked out of school as a first grader...
Our first experience "in the real world" of kindergarten has come to an end and it feels like we've just begun. The memories of those mornings when I pulled out of the parking lot, crying and wondering if we were doing the right thing, are still so vivid. The morning pep talks, the morning songs that we would listen to on the way to school in hopes of one part distracting nine parts cheering up, the "I remember when I was in school..." stories, the hugs, the refusals to let go....it's all still right there. It changed though. We moved, we changed schools and the routine became very different. She let go, I left happy and we were in a good place--finally.
But it was still a little tough. I still wondered if we were doing the 'right thing' (whatever that is). I still feel a pull towards an alternative method, but I feel confident in where we are at the same time. Isabella flourished in kindergarten. She reads books like it's her job. Her artistic streak has taken off. She's social, she's friendly, and she's confident. There were times this year, that the social part of school was hard. Things we've taught her in the last five years, were brought into question when so and so said this and so and so did that. We had lots of talks around the dinner table that centered around 'this is what you should do' and 'what do you think you could say?' It's been a learning experience for all of us.
But at the end of the day, this six year old has a year's worth of memories, new friends, a new confidence and strength and a whole lot of knowledge. She's still the same Isabella...she comes home exhausted, has a hard recovery time between 4pm and 7pm, she still likes to show us all that she can do, she wants to catch up with Declan and Quinn, she misses the library, and she wants to do it all.
Driving away from school that first day, was the hardest thing I have done to date. It was a good thing but it was oh, so hard.
What we call our 'second first day of school' which she was so, so excited about...until drop off time when I had to bolt while Ryan held her body that had tightly woven around his, likely wondering what in the heck he was supposed to do...
But the next day, was perfect.
And now,
We did it. It took the five of us, plus a host of others, but we did it.
I learned more from this experience--from this six year old--than I would have expected. We learned together. We learned about hard things like name calling, playground woes, friendships, the pain of waking up at 7 and having to actually be somewhere (her, not me), eating breakfast when you really didn't want to, having to let go--literally, and being without. And we learned really wonderful things like how new friendships form when you least expect it, how to read and write stories, how to confidently stand up for yourself and your friends, how to be responsible, and how to let go.
Our determination was tested at times and that's where we just had to lean in. And that's the biggest lesson learned. We had to teach Isabella to pull from her resources, and in turn we had to pull from ours. When we were uncomfortable, we felt it and then we found a place for it. When she was scared, we found a way through it and a way to over come it. When we both felt unsure, we tested ourselves and we believed. This year has been one giant test. And we have officially passed.
These two six year olds have played together since they were two months old. Hard to believe.
And now...she's determined to get in that pool and pick up where she left off. She always has 'plans' and swimming is at the top of the list.
We are ready for summer.
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