Eyla

She started surprising us last July. 
We had taken the kids to the elementary school to play on the playground. Genivieve and Zoey were with us and it was a totally spur of the moment, really close to bed time but let's stall anyway, decision. I made the awful, awful choice to sit on this little red spinny chair and got so sick that I thought I would never feel normal again. And then it *kind of* of crossed my mind. Really quickly-barely. When we left Ryan said we needed to go buy a test. I told him it was a crazy waste of time. He pulled into the store and forced Genivieve to go inside and get a pregnancy test.
That was just the beginning of all the surprises of the next nine months.

The first twenty weeks of this, my fourth, pregnancy were less than desireable. I had never felt so sick, so tired and so sad that I felt that way. I felt guilty. Our kids probably watched more television than they have in their lives combined, in that twenty weeks. I lived off of the most bland food I could possibly find. Trying to cook for the others--that was close to unbearable. By 8 o'clock every night, I was in bed simply so I could fall asleep and not feel nauseous. I wanted so badly to enjoy this pregnancy but every so often when Ryan would stop me and say "I just want to make sure you're enjoying this pregnancy..." I really just wanted to smack him.

 

We knew we would have another homebirth with this baby.  Quinn's had changed my life. We started planning and met with our midwife. When we heard that first heartbeat around fifteen weeks, I felt the same way I did when we heard those other three 'first heartbeats.'  As the weeks passed I wasn't feeling much in the way of baby movement and we discovered later that it was likely I had an anterior placenta. Because of this I really didn't feel much until more than halfway through. As I left the first half of pregnancy and entered the second, I started to feel better. We had told the kids and they were so beyond excited. Every morning they took notice of any change they could see. A growing belly, jabs and kicks, me starting to feel better--they noticed it all. Declan begged us weekly to find out if the baby was a girl or a boy and we adamantly told him that he would be so much more excited to find out once he or she was born. He was not convinced. I, surprisingly, was.

There were some stressful family events that occurred throughout this pregnancy.  It was during those times that I became more and more aware of how different this pregnancy was. I felt great, baby was doing great, but it just felt so different. We opted out of any hospital intervention, which included opting out of an ultrasound for the first time. We never had that tiny peek into what this little one was doing in there, but we felt good about our decision. As we moved through the winter and slowly into Spring, we talked about the possibilities of when this baby would come, and just for fun, how this baby would come. Deep down, I really felt like I wasn't going to be pregnant for as long this time. I carried the first three to 42 weeks and still encouraged labor along (in many, many ways). I had never experienced that spontaneous labor and was hopeful that I would this time. At our 36 week home visit, we talked about the fact that I could be pregnant for another six weeks. We got our supplies ready, Ryan started renovating our main bathroom (oops), and I slowly started pulling out cloth diapers, preparing a space for us to rock and nurse and rest. At 37 weeks and a few days, I took care of the two kids that I watch and in the late afternoon mom came over to take the older three shopping for a baby shower present from them. As she left she mentioned to me that I should go to her house and take a relaxing bath (at this point our only bathroom that has a tub, was completely gutted). I lay down for a little bit, watched tv, ate dinner and then decided that maybe a bath would feel good. I drove over to moms, Ryan was at a work event and the kids were still out. Before I was even finished I heard mom and the kids come in and Declan ran up to see what I was doing. I told him I was almost finished, got out and dressed and headed downstairs. Isabella, tired as she always is around 7pm, was laying on the couch. I sat down in the chair beside her and asked her about her day. She was all curled up, sucking her thumb, looking so sleepy so I stood up to go sit with her.
As I took two steps towards the couch, I felt a gush. I knew my water had broken. I took another step. Another huge gush. I calmly called out to mom who came in the room and not so calmly started to panic.
I immediately sat down on two towels and told mom to pass me my phone. At this point Isabella was crying out of fear? excitement? possibly a combination. All I kept thinking was, "I am only 37 weeks pregnant. This is not happening. We aren't ready. But we better get there." Mom called Ryan and I called my midwife. Isabella calmed down, Declan started crying and Quinn kept on snoozing. My midwife decided to head over (she lives an hour away) and Ryan was there before I even realized he had been called. We decided to head back to the house to get things ready.

At this point I was having contractions but they weren't consistent by any means. My midwife came, checked on baby and checked on me and we decided to get some sleep and see how things progressed over night. Mom stayed as well and we all slept...unfortunately, through the night. I woke up about every hour to a few contractions and to rest my hand on my stomach, for one last night, and feel those movements that are my most favorite part of pregnancy.
 Nothing had changed much through the night, contractions were still inconsistent and we started making plans as to how our day would go. We ate breakfast and decided to go for a walk. We walked and walked and nothing changed too much. When we got home I talked to my chiropractor's wife and he planned to head over and adjust me. We were heading into the evening, I think at this point it was close to 4pm and finally contractions were starting to pick up. The kids went over to mom's house to hang out with Gen and Kelly since they were becoming slightly impatient with the fact that there was still no baby.  I have been through a labor before (Isabella's) where my water had broken way before labor started. This was nothing new, which concerned me even more. Labors that span over the course of days, were one of my hang ups.
Things started to pick up from that point. I was having contractions every 3-5 minutes and was approaching that "I can't talk or move when I'm having a contraction" place. I felt really good about how things were going. In a way I think it was good that this labor happened so spontaneously. I was starting to feel a little anxiety about labor, comparing it to my last three very hard, very very long labors, and was trying so hard not to have attachments to that fear. But it was hard. Since I was completely unprepared and shocked, in a way I just had to deal with the moment I was in. I really just still felt so much in a state of shock. Ryan was just excited. He was so excited to find out if this baby was a girl or a boy and I think he was pleased with the smoothness of the labor at that point. He kept reassuring me that this was going to be faster than the others. I just kept rolling my eyes. I didn't believe him, although he was right. I laid out all of my concerns--Ryan, mom and my midwife settled any worries that I had and we pressed on. During my last three labors, I always started throwing up towards the end. With that part not coming, I just felt so far away from the end. Surprisingly, I had actually been eating small amounts throughout the day and drinking loads of water and tea so I fully expected it to all come up--and it wasn't. Around 8:30, I decided I was finished. I didn't want to go any further. I didn't feel especially tired, I was strangely alert actually, but I just didn't want to labor any longer. Ryan and Emily placed bets on when this baby would make an appearance, one settling on 9:30, the other on 10. I believed they were crazy.

Whenever Emily would listen for the heart beat I would feel so relieved and calm. The baby wasn't moving around much at this point and I just really wanted that reassurance. I worried about her from day one. I kept telling Ryan that I felt like this was going to go on all night. I truly did not feel like I was nearing the end. Ryan kept telling me that yes, I was in fact nearing the end, and I simply told him that he had no idea. But, he did.
Around 9:30, after spending a lot of time on the birthing stool, I crawled back into bed and decided that I was ready to meet this baby. I had a contraction, felt a strong need to push at the end of it, and yelled "someone get the kids!"  Ryan called Kelly to bring the kids back home and before I even had another contraction, they were home, getting a run-down from Ryan about what was going on, washing hands and in the room. When they walked in, I was pushing for only the second time and the baby was right there. The kids made it in just the perfect time to see their baby sister be born.
There she was, after just three pushes, and all I could do was watch the looks on the faces of my three babies sitting beside me. One shocked, one excited, and one worried...all so very happy.

All the kids had specific things that they wanted to do at the birth. Isabella was going to announce if we had a boy or girl, Declan was going to cut the cord and Quinn was going to help our midwife with the placenta print. As she was being born, Ryan got the umbilical cord a little confused for something else and before Isabella could announce, Ryan thought we had another boy... We had her look and she called out "it's a girl!" to which Ryan was shocked to hear. For me, I didn't feel really surprised. There were so many times during this pregnancy that I was sure we were having a boy, but when it came down to it, I just felt like it was a girl. So much so, that when Isabella made her announcement, it just felt like something I already knew.
After about thirty minutes or so, Declan was ready to cut the cord. We showed him what to do and he hesitantly started to cut. Once he saw that first drop of blood, he quickly handed over the scissors and Quinn helped Ryan finish cutting.
Quinn excitedly helped Emily make the placenta print on a piece of construction paper and all three of them got their share of cuddles, kisses and hugs with their new baby sister.
I still felt in a state of shock, and looking back at the video, I don't think I noticed how much shock I was actually in. From the time my water broke to the time she was here just felt like a dream. I had, by far, the best labor and the quickest delivery, and in the blink of an eye, our family of five became a family of six. And just like the three before her, we immediately loved her and pulled her in as if she was here all along.

Still, the most amazing part of adding a baby to your family, is the feeling that they have belonged with you forever. We can't imagine life without her and she's only been here for just over a month. Eyla finally got her name three days after she was born. We had a grand total of zero names picked out, and by the third day, I felt just fine calling her "the baby." Deciding on a name felt so hard to me. I kept telling Ryan that we had to delete any name from our list that didn't sound 'delicate.' She just seemed to small and so fragile. I just really wanted a sweet, soft name. And wouldn't you know-one of the meanings of Eyla...delicate. So it was settled. Eyla Mae put us all on cloud nine.

Eyla was born at 10pm and by midnight, the kids had given their kisses and were tucked in bed. For the next few mornings, I will never forget how popular our bed was in the morning hours...this time it wasn't about me at all. Eyla was, and still is, showered with hugs, kisses, and more hugs and kisses. The older kids are so in love with her that it blows my mind. No one can stand to even hear her wimper, much less cry. She has constant companions...sometimes a little too constant. Declan still tells me "Mom, I just can't believe you have three girls. Just me, one boy and all these girls!" And I can't really believe it either.

I worry about all of my kids but if we are being honest here, which I am, following this birth I have felt like a first time mom of four. I worried a lot during this pregnancy. It was just so different. And this has flowed through post birth. Eyla has kept us on our toes from day one and has forced me to think long and hard about the fragility of life. Maybe it's just age and life changes and experience. Or maybe it's just her...
 I try so hard to soak in all of their words, looks, the way they feel and the things they say. But this baby, I just want to drink her in all of the time. I cringe when I notice how much she is growing although all along I talk myself through the inevitable. I want so badly, not to forget a second of this moment, but that's also a little crazy to believe will happen...I mean, I did just the other day literally burn the life out of a pot of rice that I completely forgot was on the stove, while I was "soaking it in." Either that, or I have officially lost my mind-both are likely.