The Circle

I just downloaded a new book on my kindle called Mommy Mantras: Affirmations and Insights to Keep You from Losing Your Mind. I don't know why I feel the need to read this book, but I do. I feel like if I read things, they're more ingrained in my mind. I need to 'see it in writing.' If I can learn some mantras, then I can keep myself in check when my buttons are pushed to the max. If I learn some affirmations to repeat during times of feeling overwhelmed, then maybe I won't act in ways that I regret later. That's the goal anyway...
I know, as I often do before reading most "parenting" books, that throughout, I'll be saying "I knew that." Or "Oh yeah, mom told me that once." Or, "I forgot about doing that...what was I thinking?" That's the thing about motherhood. If you're intuitive about being a mom, I think that deep down you know what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. It's just about keeping a calm mind and moving beyond your ego to really act in the way that you know is right.
As Isabella is getting older and developing some "attitude" I feel a sense of urgency in making sure that I am cool, calm, and collected and that I teach her how I want her to be. She is definitly picking up on my behaviors, my body language, my figures of speech and everything in between and now I am ON MY TOES! I'm trying to think of some examples so you "get" what I'm saying, but all I can say is the girl has the eye roll down. pat. I never noticed how many times in a day I roll my eyes, until now.
So I find myself, more and more, thinking back on my childhood. What I remember about it, what I know about it, and what I treasure about it. And although I could go on and on. And on and on. I'm right now, just going to reflect on what I know my mom taught me about being a mom (without recognizing it, until I became a mom...)


Just pack 'em up, and do it!
So I guess as a mom, watching her daughter raise three kids, it's easy for my mom to remind me what's important as she watches from the outside. So, when I think, "Ugh, get all these toddler dressed; no, not just dressed, but dressed in snow gear." And by the time you have one dressed and are working on the other, the first is whining and complaining, while simutaneously rolling on the floor, because she's "SO UNCOMFORTABLE!" and you just want to get out the door!! So, 30 minutes later, mom's saying (or not really 'saying' but you know, thinking) "now wasn't that all worth it?" As the kids are beaming, falling in the snow, making snow angels, building snow men, tasting snow, and Declan's INSISTING that YES, he IS wearing the pink scarf! And, for the record, yes, Quinn's hat ended up on his head, and there it stayed. Wasn't fighting that battle (she taught me that too). In all honesty, I would have been okay with waiting until Ryan was off work so that he could do all the hard stuff, and I could just take the pictures. When in retrospect, it was so worth it that my mom and I got to see the kids in the snow, while it was still falling, and I was able to recognize that it's important to just let go of the stress of it, and just let it be what it should be, which is fun. Totally fun.


Hold your sleeping baby (or just, hold your baby in general)
I think I just learned this by watching. When I became pregnant with Isabella, I was consumed with reading anything and everything that supported the idea I was about to practice. Gentle parenting, attachment parenting, whatever you want to call it. I never had a name for it. I don't think my mom had a name for it. It's just what she did. And it's what I knew I wanted to do. It's what was natural for her and what was real for me. My mom didn't have to tell me how wonderful it felt to hold your otherwise 'on the go' baby (or toddler) when he/she slept, just to enjoy that peace, the calm, and feel the heavy weight of their trusting body and they cuddled up to you. It's what I always saw her do. With her kids, friends kids, kids she took care of. She knew touch was important, and that's all we knew. Looking back at pictures of us as kids, there we were, babies ourselves, holding babies. Our own siblings, the babies mom took care of, cousins, neighbors. We were baby lovers. And we got that from her.

And another thing I totally learned from her: It's completely possible to hold your sleeping toddler until you're sure he is really asleep, while precariously holding your leg against the side of the bed where your other toddler is entertaining the baby. Oh, and snap a picture.
As a woman, take care of yourself. In turn, you will take better care of your children.
I think my mom knows this better now, then she probably did when we were small. Well, maybe she knew it then, but as so many moms are, she was more consumed with taking care of her family, that she came last. My mom understands this about me, but she still tries really hard to remind me often. She knows that, like her, I don't come first, or second, or third, sometimes even fourth, but usually last. I'm okay with that. But a mom of four knows that no matter how "together" you make it appear, sometimes you just need a break. Something just for you. Or some time just for you.
I look at this whole "theory" in a lot of different ways. But one way that usually sticks out to me, is when my mom buys me something. She is always getting things for the kids, things for us as a family, and then the times that she gets something that is just for me, are really special.
Like this lamp pictured below. I love this lamp. Like, really love it. It's my favorite "thing" in my house. I love the color, the shape, the shade. And I never would have bought it for myself. Yeah, maybe I would have bought the cheap knock off version at Target. But I never would have actually hit "BUY" when I peruse the Pottery Barn website, all googly-eyed over things I'll never have anytime soon. I'm sure my mom felt the same way when she was a young, stay at home mom, with a family of six. So she probably understands how the simple things, like a beautiful lamp, or a fancy glass, or a hand blown vase, can just make you feel kind of special.

Get them involved.

Moments before the picture below was taken, it was 10am and Isabella and Declan were dying to go out in the snow. I was in the middle of making bread dough, so I stopped, bundled them up (maybe someone was still in their pj's...) and set them out on the snow covered deck with some bowls and spoons, to cook away and maybe build me a snowman. We kept peeking in (and out) at eachother while they played and I kneaded, until Declan caught sight of the dough. He was in that door, had his snow gear off, and a chair pulled up to the counter in 5 minutes flat. Declan LOVES playing with, rolling, kneading, whatevering, dough. Mostly because he thinks dough leads to pizza, but nonetheless, he loves it. So, I sigh my sigh of exasperation, think about those mantras, and let him have a little dough ball. And there he stands for nothing short of 45 minutes, playing with his dough ball. Mom always kept us involved. Pulled up to the counter, or her moving to the table, or the floor, or wherever-to get on our level. She let us in on what she was doing. She did it with patience, with understanding, and with pride. And when I am frustrated or just plain tired, and would really just love to cook dinner with my two hands, rather that four extra, I think of when my mom is cooking with my kids and she's just flawless. Everything's calm, everyone's listening and being patient. She moves with ease around them, yet they're doing it too. And then I think "Okay, I need to do that too. I want them to remember me this way too. I want them to do this with their kids too." And on we go.

Declan and Isabella just moments before he caught sight of me, holding dough

And the glorious, quarter sized dough ball that kept him busy for an hour

Your siblings, your best friends, are very, very important.

Yes, there was a time when I hated Taylor, and he hated me. And I distinctly remember mom telling me about when her and her brother didn't like eachother and "look at us now, we're great friends" and I just thought, no way would that ever happen. It happened. We all had our arguments over things like who got the first sip of the (on a rare, extremely rare) soda that we were sharing four ways, or who got to hold mom's hand in the store...important things like that. And we still have our disagreements today. But today we know how special family is. We know that we are eachother's best friends. That we know eachother the best. That we will do anything for eachother and eachother's kids. That in the blink of an eye, we can and will be on eachother's doorstep if something is wrong, or someone needs something, or someone's sick or just needs someone to talk to. This is probably one of the things that I look to my mom for the most. Clues as to what made us this way. How it was instilled in us that family is first. As soon as we became pregnant with Declan, I knew immediatly that our goal from that point on was teaching Isabella about her brother. How to love him, take care of him, and treat him. Then we did it again when we had Quinn. I know my kids love each other. Many days they are each other playmates, husband, wife, friends, enemies, competetor, confidant, and oil and water. But we will never stop telling them how important they are to eachother. Treating each individual in a way that we hope they will treat eachother. Explaining the importance of love, acceptance, and trust. My mom taught us about love. She teaches us about love every day. The way she loves our kids, I know, is the way she loved us as kids. I get to see that and it is truly amazing and probably one of the most incredible things to see. An adult, a mother, watching her own mother love her kids so much that she loves her grandchildren just as much---and I get to see it all. I know how she loves us, because I have my own that I love the same way. That circle of life, it's what she's teaching me.