The First Day

There was never such a beautiful time as 3:15 today. Actually, I gave myself the time of 2:30, to look forward to. That was when I would leave to pick her up from her very first day of school. Her first big day away from home, on her own. At 3:15, when those doors opened and she walked out, the pit in my stomach disappeared. She smiled. She walked to me with her coy little grin. The grin I know by heart...it means she's happy. She jumped into my arms and I hugged her tight. It was just what I was hoping for.

So, backing up to this morning. The alarm went off at 6:45 and I was pretty annoyed at the sound. When I realized what it was (shows you how used to an alarm I am...) I turned it off and started racking my brain to try and remember why I had an alarm set. Then I felt a little body beside me and remembered. Today was the day. I tried to move slowly so she'd stay asleep just a little longer, but she stirred, cracked an eye, and smiled. She said "mommy, was I just dancing?"  I said "No, why?" And she said "well, in my dream I was dancing and I was making this face," as she demonstrated her silly face and dance move all within seconds of waking up. That's my girl.
I didn't mention school. We headed into the bathroom and after a minute, she told me that she needed to wash her face because "that's what you do when you get ready for school."  The morning was busy, but it was good. She was excited and eager, asking every few minutes, when it was time to leave.

 "Mommy, I just had to look at my heart one time when I was missing you and daddy and Declan and Quinn. But just one time!"

No.1 Fan of sleeping in. School mornings will not be her thing.

We arrived at school, still excited all the while willing myself not to cry. I felt good. I felt like we could do this, I could make it without the tears and she was so ready for this. As she gripped my hand as the whole family walked up the sidewalk, her fingers held a little tighter. She wasn't willing to let go so I could take a picture. She was getting nervous. And Declan just kept asking "are you going to be shy Bella?" over and over.
We made it into the room, said hello to her teacher and I leaned down to give her a hug and kiss. Meanwhile I also said goodbye to my strength, because I couldn't help it. The tears were there and I held on just long enough to devise an escape plan so that she wouldn't see me. I did not want her to see me cry. I kind of slipped away as Ryan slipped in and I quickly composed myself just in enough time for her to kiss and hug her sister, brother, and daddy and walk back towards me. I thought for another hug, but she was just passing me her bookbag. Off she went with her teacher, and we left. I did one quick glance back as she was meeting the kids at her table and then we were off. As we left the double doors of her new kindergarten classroom, Declan said "mommy, are we leaving her forever? Is she going to be okay?" And I let Ryan answer that because it did nothing but excite the water works all.over.again.

But that was just the beginning. Ryan went to work, and I got in the car and called Genivieve. Before I could even say 'hi' she asked how it went.  I went silent as the tears began again and with hours between us, we had 'a moment.'  I hate calling people and doing nothing but sob on the other end, but sometimes it happens. I like to think it's what sisters are for. Gen listened, she advised, and by the end of the conversation I was talking like a real person again and I felt good.  We went to mom's who was eagerly waiting on the doorstep as if it were her own child returning home from her first day. I re-hashed the events again, we cried together, again and then we watched the clock. Then, I decided that today was the slowest day of my life. It was quiet without her. I missed her terribly and mostly I just wanted to know that she was okay. I wondered about her at noon when I knew she'd be heading to the lunchroom for the first time ever. I thought about her in the afternoon when I thought she may be getting tired. I thought about her at 2:30 when I knew that she would be getting ready to walk to the cafeteria to wait for me. I thought about her non-stop.

And when her smiling face walked through those doors, I knew she was fine. She talked about school all afternoon, all evening, all night and whispered to me as I was laying with her tonight "I have lots of best friends now, mommy."

It was a good day for her. She was in an amazing mood, she wanted to do her "homework," which was creating a "Me Bag" the second we walked in the door. So we did. We walked through the house thinking about the things that best describe Isabella. We ended up with: a toy camera ("because I love to take pictures"), two toy chickens ("because we have chickens and I love to take care of them"), a soft kitten ("because I love Oscar"), a picture of her family, and a picture of her hand painted with a swirl of colors ("because I love painting and I love arts and crafts"). She was a happy girl. And there is nothing more true than a happy child making a happy mama. My joy, my complete joy, was watching her throughout this short yet impactful journey of entering a whole new world and seeing her do it perfectly. Well, perfectly minus the part when she told me that her bathroom partner told her to throw her paper towels in the toilet since there wasn't a trash can...and she did...But other than that, perfectly.

I'm off to pack another lunch, pack another bookbag, and lay out tomorrows outfit (because that is very important). This will be our new normal, and we are now ready.